i come across elements of you,
in the dust around my bed,
the pieces locked away,
your signature on a photocopy.
i can't get rid of you,
a rigid piece uprooting itself
once i think you're fading.

a. your warmth is still against my body,

b. your voice echos in my mind, the sound from the hallway, non stop,

c. the way your arm curled as you slept,

d. your face when we woke up,

e. the tilt of your head as you asked me questions,

prying
wondering
curious
dying
to know if i meant it,
any of it.
i did.

i want you to know
no matter where we are right now,
you down the street
walking away,
as i'm killing my stomach to let you go,
i want you to always know
i always meant it.

the ground pretends to be reliable,
until you fall underneath,
until i heard of your mind,
how you don't know how you are,
with your back against the wall
and your eyes closed.

whatever you could say
i would disregard it,
and all of your motions,
your old beliefs,
and what could have happened
and all that you're afraid of,
but it'd sink into me,
inside of my heart,
against my thoughts,
my aching head.

i wish i could ask how you are,
see your bare feet on the tiled floor,
your hair against the bed.
i could disregard everything i said,
never ask what you wanted.

you fall to the ground,
hands on the tile,
and your knees are buckling
and i'm not there,
and i'll carry this with me
until i'm down there with you,
finally asking how you are.

i can see your teeth from here,
the way your skin bends,
i can see your heart from here,
how much i hate it.

you've got colored lines across your back,
sunken into your skin,
and i tear it apart,
i tear you apart,
those words were never meant for you,
i told you what you didn't want to hear.

you're hardly shown,
and i imagine you walking across the sidewalk,
as i'm sitting on the porch
as i feel his arm across my ribs,
and i imagine your smile, or the look you'd give me,
the way you turned your back so easily,
how was it so easy? 

ten years went by too quickly
and it felt like nothing,
the missing years in between us,
but i finally cracked,
i know it's time that will make you fade,
you'll fade away from my mind,
my teeth,
and i'll stop imaging you on the street
and i'll stop wanting to hurt you back,
you'll be gone.

your sleep is like a dream
i'm waking every second of this,
your grasp is like a choke,
i'm trying to get away from this.

you ask me how i feel
about the way you're living,
it's your life,
it's your fuckup,
you tell me that's what you like,
that i don't care about anyone else.

the lights are fading
and the time is insincere,
can't get enough of it,
can't get a hold of it,
you're breaking every bone in my body,
your senseless throat on fire.

don't get away,
just fall behind,
pretend it's another time
and hold yourself,
drown yourself,
in those lights,
in my grasp.

i went away,
no, i take that back, you flew away, 
i take back everything i said, 
i knew it was true 
all of it was too true, 
too good, 
and now you invade my dreams, 
sweats, these streets are bare without you,
if you weren't here, 
and you are but you wouldn't care, 
disappointment leads you to who you are. 

and now i lie bare, 
awake with the lights off 
and the air on high, 
i remember the goosebumps from your room, 
your stretch in your arm as you shut the window, 
and then his arms, too warm, 
you knew i liked to sleep in the cold. 

out of sight 
out of mind 
and i still check my old voicemail, 
half expecting your voice, 
low and unintelligible, 
but you were never there, 
on the other end of the line, 
and you were never here, 
on the other side of this bed. 

saw you through the door, 
lying on the hardwood floor, 
your bones peeking through, 
your skin so light. 

i wanted to open the windows, 
let you breathe a little bit, 
but i see you've got your hair 
from somewhere else, 
the heat igniting your brain, 
you said this is paradise. 

i saw the way you wanted out, 
and as i lie down next to you, 
my lungs swollen, 
i told you there wasn't anything else 
i wanted from you. 
it's hard to find what think you're looking for, 
especially when it's not right, 
and your mouth won't close, 
words spilling out 
but only at the darkest hour of the night, 
and i could see your breath from here, 
twisting into the molecules 
you keep inside of yourself. 

the frozen ground won't keep your secrets, 
so take that bus to some kind of city, 
let the buildings push you back 
and look for the sea you said you loved, 
an air that won't heat your soul, 
another kind of paradise. 

when you're suddenly left with nothing,
you'll realize all that you have,
everything inside of you
is made of dust,
the smallest moments
disappearing before yourself.

when you feel that fire in your heart,
keep it lit, growing above your mind,
so you can run after all that you've wanted,
faster
past the trees,
leaving everyone behind,
the things you loved
and that you had once bound your life to,
unwind your mind
and set that fire free.

it's time to leave
everything that has consumed your mind,
they aren't your home
and they've changed so much,
and you've turned your head so quickly
that they won't even notice,
not even an inch.

i can see that fire in between your eyes,
the faded lines igniting your energy,
run with it,
let it set you to nothing,
your feet spinning
through the air
past those moments
you couldn't let go of.

i saw you from the corner,
my arm resting on his back.
my hand ran through my long hair,
and i wondered what you would think
if you glanced over my way.

you were swallowed into the floorboards,
your high getting the best of you,
capturing your eyes,
shielding your heart,
embarking on your lungs.

your shallow breath was too familiar,
and you said you knew of places around here
that look more beautiful that way.
i smiled and gave you more of what you were looking for,
and now i think of the scars on your shoulder.

you never came home,
to your bed and your girl
and you said you didn't want anything,
but you kept her.
she loves your shallow lungs
and your glazed eyes
and your heart in two.
she loves how you fall asleep
too easily
and she traces the marks on your body
and you take comfort in that.
you take comfort in her,
but more so in the ground,
with your eyes closed and chest barely moving.

there used to be something i had wanted to ask you. something i wanted to tell you, things to say. and now i don't even remember all of those things, the things i chased your heart after. you were afraid of the things i might bring back; the old stories, the old scars, the old hurt between me and you. so you ran, you ignored and you detached yourself from me. but i don't want to bring any of that back; i suppose now, i just want to say that i want you, in any sort of way. now i want to tell you i'm sorry, but we're older, and we're good. i want to tell you it could be easy and good. that's all. nothing more. i just want you in my life, i want to know you again. start over, but remember what brought us together in the first place.

someday i hope we'll be able to stop hurting each other.

i miss the way you talk
and your glance back
and don't ask me
what i want to know,
keep me in the dark,
keep me in your light.

the hallow windows
keep your thoughts back,
tearing you apart
as i walk across the street.
i don't see you anymore,
the way you've hidden,
and places that we go,
how did we ever find the way?

you were always where you hated to be, 
against the wall with perfect lips, 
smoke curling around your hair. 
i don't mean i don't love you, 
or any of those things that you do, 
time's just too strange 
to take a hold of, to listen and change, 
and i told you i didn't know 
of anything else that i wanted, 
along those yellow lines 
in the dead of the night. 

we did those things 
to fill a void from the past, 
and your heart murmured 
inside those locked doors, 
skipping and holding back, 
and i said i wasn't searching for you
when you came into my life. 

those old shadows that follow you around, 
they're illuminating the light
that beams from your eyes. 
your touch is lingering 
on those white walls, 
lips pursed 
and the music goes on, 
the songs you hate, 
you were always right there, 
walking into my life,
perfect along those yellow lines, 
in the dead of the night. 

there used to be something we couldn't miss. something we didn't want to deny and maybe even forced ourselves to fall into, but with all of these lies that bound us together and all of these stars we've stood under, i can't see why we wouldn't have wanted to burn out so quickly. 
you called my name from far away, 
asked if you could have me. 
your arms around, i felt everything breathe, 
and like a terrifying mirror, 
i could see everything i've allowed myself to walk away from. 

you stood next to me, and i wish i took a picture. i could have sworn i loved you, told you to carry me home. you fell asleep in my arms, your legs unmoving and your breath on my stomach. i wouldn't have traded it for the world. and my heart pounded the entire night, as you looked up and you were so innocent, as if we never shared the words we had. and we felt like we were kids, like we found each other again, and those eyes, i could see them so clearly in the dark and you pondered aloud and my soft voice was carried through yours. you took my face, and held it in place, you were on my right side. your hand held onto mine, i couldn't feel a thing, 
only my heart 
down into my stomach, 
can i have you? 
you do, you do, 
you do. 
you have me. 

I sunk away from you, left silently. I hold my tongue, I need to keep track of that. I need to stay quiet and I need to make my mind up, make my heart go forward. Backwards never gets you anywhere but wherever you just came from. I sat in that white room with the windows, watching every car, and he was sitting next to me. His foot sideways on the table, his fist to his chin. He spun around, talked to me like you wouldn't. He smiled the way you couldn't, and he moved in a different way. I never thought of you in there. I did, but it was never a comparison. I thought of how I could have someone like him: mature, gentle, nice, charismatic. Good laugh, good voice, good way of looking at someone. Just good. And now I'm comparing: you're not good. You are forcefully reckless, naive and confused and unattached but your eyes startle me and the way you held me couldn't compare to anything. No. You aren't here. He isn't either, and it's not about him and you. It's about me and what I want out of this year. I want to move forward but I want you. I want Switzerland and I want to jump ahead ten years and I want it to be with you, but we can't always have what we want, even if I want it this much. You're out of reach, and we don't talk, and you ignore me and we used each other and we're drained and selfish and caught in between so many different things. Confused, we all are. Maybe the way I move won't effect your decisions, or the way my hair lies down my back, or what I do with my hands or walk or look around. Whether I smile when you happen to be there or not, maybe little things wouldn't even have anything to do with you, not one bit. I came home to a place that's not my home, and I wish you could see it. I don't know why, honestly. Why do I want you here? Why do I care? For you, why do I wait, linger, what's the point? What have you ever done for me, aside from cause me heartache? There are so many better people out there, so many people I've given up on for you. And the sad part is that I would still drop anyone for you, for the chance to... I don't know what. You'd probably think I'm insane if you saw any of this. I want you to be open with me and tell me what's in your head.
I got lost

i miss coming home
to an open window,
staring across from yours,
with my heart up to here
feeling so fresh and full,
new and one
and beating and soft
and i miss
looking out that window
and smiling,
because of your voice
that was just on my skin,
and because of your fingers
through my hair
and our legs intwined,
and i only smiled at you,
not saying a word,
as usual. i never said a thing,
not then
and not now,
with my window open,
my fan now drowning out your voice
from the past,
with my hair wet, your touch gone,
my legs bare.
i miss
you.

i see your colors fading
far away from me,
your hands are sliding
down your misery,
your heart full of confusion
and fear and harboring regret,
but i can't help but feel
how much you've stayed the same,
how much i've made you mine.

the waves are frozen
in place, like we are,
and how many suns have we watched,
how many skies have we seen,
so apart and far away from each other,
and one more look and
it's back to start,
your hand pressed into mine on the mattress.

we didn't lose any time,
but we're only waiting for something to happen,
something that will make us know--
know what's real and what's worth it,
but i told you how much i want you,
and i'm sorry my hands were cold
and my hair all over,
and my raspy voice in the morning
and my blank stares and
crossed arms
and my intentions,
but yours are the same
and yet still you're fading away.

the fears from when we were kids
can't be fears anymore,
we lost ourselves along the way
along the way to get to where we are now,
and we picked ourselves up,
without any help, and fell for it
and the memories can't get away,
in locked cages in the back of our hearts,
and you're pushing it all away,
you're pushing me away
like i had before.
but i'm sorry for my laughing without explanation,
and i'm sorry for the things i never said,
never giving you a reason to stay,
but in time i hope
that you will give me one.

lately i can't stop thinking about the warm weather, and how the two hour journey twice a week seems different now. the trees are more bold, standing in between the whiteness of the ground and the grey of the sky--the fog envelopes us and ever since it was eighty degrees outside, i imagined you being here. i'm sitting in the back seat, and i twist around and look out the back window. the snow covers our perception of time, and the wind pushes the car, but i'm staring back, watching the trees disappear. i absently take another shot of whiskey and i remember our drive home, and the way you took your pulls. quickly i became tired. tired of the snow, tired of this drive, tired of thinking about you. thinking about what if, and thinking of the future, so out of reach. i thought we were closer than this. i stepped back, and maybe i'll turn around in a little bit. i can't stand thinking about you anymore. i'm home, now. in my bed. i've had other boys lie in these sheets and on my pillow, but never you. i never cared about them one bit, and each time i was held, i closed my eyes and thought of you. i'm tired of these thoughts. i fell asleep earlier on my own, without the help of another substance, with my hand around my waist. subconsciously i roll over, so comfortably without thought of anything. i still think of the summer and the heat. i think of the first time i saw you here and i think of the first time i saw you ten years ago. it's all the same. it never changes. we lost time, and we're letting it slip away as we speak (or as we don't speak, rather). i keep looking over at you and you look up at me. what is this that we're wasting, that we're throwing away?

i concentrate on my footsteps, 
one leading into the other, 
the sound of the echo, 
the rubber on the tile. 
the windows are too reflective, 
the outside looking in--
i can remember your face 
when you were younger, 
the restless way you sat. 

my hands fit comfortably in my pockets, 
hiding myself from the glare of the world. 
my back aches, 
my hips are tight, 
and i listen harder
as i remember the same feeling four weeks ago, 
lying still and breathing shallow in your bed, 
trying to sleep
but the pain was comforting, 
as you wrapped yourself around me. 

and i look back at the reflections, 
i think of how time stands still, 
nothing changed. 
time doesn't matter, it has no place in between us, 
and ties can last a lifetime, 
and yet they can be broken in a moment. 
i think of how i walked away, 
how i left you standing 
frozen 
hurt
and angry, 
and how i walked past you 
as if we were never anything, 
and how each day i never forgot 
and how each moment i never let go, 
but you never knew that. 
i bent down
and looked at you honestly, 
i told you how i've missed you 
and your smile, i could never forget it.

i look down, 
my feet rhythmic, 
unnerving and unstoppable, 
and this regret that's made me who i am, 
it's influenced every step, 
every one of these sounds 
that are echoing from the tile, 
and these reflections, 
i can't help but realize
i wouldn't be here if i hadn't walked away. 

the nights are too long, 
i keep looking at your words, 
and they only get more bland as the time goes by, 
picturing your door shut, 
my whiskey breath on yours, 
i walk away 
as you had before. 

i run up the stairs 
the end is coming too quickly, 
and the door at the end of the hall, 
it's there as soon as i think of it. 

the lights flash by 
crowding my bedroom, 
my home, my walls 
and my heart, 
you're the only one i can imagine, 
you're the only one i can see, 
your eyes in the dark, 
your hair through my fingers, 
your lips so close 
your mind intwined with mine. 

we're locked up, 
in between walls 
and my hand is on the glass, 
i can't stop remembering 
the way you buried your head 
into my shoulder, 
the way you lifted my back
from being swallowed into the cracks, 
the cracks in the wall 
the ones i traced in the morning 
with my trembling hand, 
a perfect silence, 
and i could feel you watching me, 
your slow and lazy eyes, 
we fell apart
so quickly 
we fell over ourselves 
too late 
they say it's never too late, 
and i miss the cracks in your wall 
and your hand on mine
tracing them on your back. 

i'm wondering which way to go,
toward the high mountains 
and the snow on the palm trees,
so far and unreachable to you, 
a place i've always dreamt about--
or to stay 
and never wonder what you could have been, 
always thinking you weren't just the past
as i hold you tight, 
i'd never let go. 

but here we are, 
stuck in the spot, only a step farther
and only a step left to go, 
but when i wonder 
if you'd stay until the end, 
i remember 
that you've already stepped away, 
you're already turning from me. 

i could have the eyes of the ocean staring back at me, 
or i could have yours, 
small and green and striking, 
the beating of my veins coming alive. 
i could have the rush of the world around me, 
or the rush of your heart beating, 
and i could be in Egypt 
or i could be in your car, driving across the state. 
i could have the rest of my life unknowing, 
the strings of you in my heart frayed but still holding together, 
or i could have all of you, 
your voice and your freckles 
your breath and your hands... 
or i could be on a plane 
fighting my nerves, 
the aching in my stomach, 
the restlessness in my shoulders, 
but i'd be shaking those feelings off 
in the Red Sea, 
on the docks of Monaco, 
on the train to Andermatt, 
in a palace in Paris, 
a winery in Bordeaux, 
lying in the sand in Cairo. 
I would be living 
in the way that I've always ever wanted to, 
but it'd be without you, 
and while I'm swimming 
and flying 
and walking through the ornate and garish castles 
and on the backs of camels 
and while I'm standing under the Eiffel Tower, 
I would always 
always
always
be wondering
what if you were with me, 
standing here, swimming here, next to me, 
and I would feel the rush coming up to my ears 
of the heartbreak I could have stopped.

you stand there
looking kinda pretty 
with those colors on your shoulder 
and the snow on your ginger hair, 
and i like the way you walk
and you're looking down, 
i walk by fast 
my arms cold, 
hair up
so you can't see it, 
i look at my shoes, 
look back up
there you are, 
smiling kinda pretty. 

i could feel the hardened paint
against my skull, 
we went for a drive
around this strange place, 
and we saw the sky
like never before, 
and we came back home,
stood in your doorway, 
waiting to see you again. 

the past won't rest, 
you say, and you're too afraid 
as i push my shoulders 
against the wall, 
close my eyes, taking it in,
the deepest breaths i've ever drowned in. 

i remember your head back, 
your neck stretched 
and the way your mouth was parted slightly, 
your eyes are so small. 
i don't know why i'm here
and there's not much else to change, 
but my mind is tired 
and you're always turning away. 

tiny elements 
the circles on your skin, 
always there and will never go away, 
the shape of your lips, 
perfect and you. 

the disgruntled moan 
you let out, flat on your stomach, 
your chest pressed on mine, 
hands interlocking, 
my legs around yours. 

your hand around mine, tightly, 
the coldness in my feet 
your small remarks, 
the way your eyes look when you say them. 
your pale back stretching up, 
your left arm around, behind my head, under the pillow, 
you've always been here 
and this feeling will never go away. 

i can't tell the days from each other, 
all filled with the same numbers
and the same sky, 
the snow running down the concrete.
the window is always closed, 
and i look across, 
look for you. 
a week ago 
you kissed me like you meant it, 
you held me 
my arms, my ribs shattering, 
your knuckles dug into my spine,
your fingers barely touching my skin, 
down, softly, in circles on my shoulder blades, 
my hips, 
you lean over, you kiss my shoulder
and i turn my head back toward you, 
run my hand through your hair, kiss your ear. you settle in, 
comfortable, 
your breath warm, 
your skin warm, 
my heart and my nerves warm, 
softly and comfortably. 

your late words are burns in my skin, 
and i watch you walk away from the window, 
the blizzard in the air blurring my view, 
each step faster than the last. 

the sky's been pretty grey lately 
and you said it's best time of day, 
and i can still feel your weight,
your arm on mine, pushing it down
and lacing your hand through my fingers. 

i traced the words caught in my throat 
on your bare back, 
the heat rising in between
and the tension fell away, 
as your eyes began to shut, 
with a slow smile on your mouth still there. 

i can walk away from the bottom of my heart, 
let it lift me up and take me an ocean away, 
but i'd never hear the end of it, 
the way i gave up again, 
so all i can do is look back 
and make sure you're still here, 
still uncertain, still wavering, 
but you're here,
repeating everything i once said. 

you hit me with your mark, again,
loose ties strung around the room, 
like always. 
thoughtless words come undone, 
but they didn't even seem so thoughtless then.... 

the stifling air couldn't get worse, 
even against my bare skin
and with you gone... 
i drifted, i came to, 
i roll again, and you're still not here. 

i find the words you couldn't say 
beside your bed. 
alone, truly, now, 
and with my own doing, 
i open the window,
ridding the air of the things you couldn't say, 
my skin can finally breathe. 

a still image 
of the leaves far long gone, 
the branches bare 
naked at your window, 
you can taste the cold air, 
in your lungs and through your eyes. 

i promise to you
i won't run, 
i'll never walk away, 
even when the ice starts to thaw. 
we knew who we were 
when we didn't have this, 
and we waited, alone and thoughtless, and 
we never forgot, 
and it became a part of who we are 
today, this morning 
and i can't get you out of my mind,
the curve of your back, 
pale and strong, 
i couldn't let you go if i ever tried. 

i'm not afraid of what's behind this 
and i'm not holding these words back 
as you hold my hair away from my eyes, 
your knuckles deep into my back, 
you said you could live all day like this,
as i stared out the window from your bed, 
wishing winter would never go away. 

the world sunk in 
surrounding our lives with water 
the pressure beating up 
against our beating hearts, 
yours faster than mine. 

i felt what it was like 
to be right for the first time, 
but we waited 
for so 
long 
and i thought i should have given up
years ago... 
how was i sane 
throughout that time?

the gravity pulls the invisible particles 
in the air 
in me 
in you
pushing and pulling 
swaying, as our emotions twirl, 
only to end up
back at the start... 
back to what we wanted 
for so 
long. 

with my bare legs against the mattress, 
the light seeps in through the corners of the window–
the hanging fabric doesn't cover it all, 
as we're diving into another sleepless night. 

we let go so easily, 
unaware of intentions, 
dying for the past 
and all that it was worth, 
a simple touch was enough, 
and we fell for every word. 

the pain we give ourselves 
doesn't compare to the pain you gave me, 
and i can't look forward 
without looking back, 
it's all running together, 
and this time i won't let go.

we held onto the past 
far too loosely, 
and we gave up what we couldn't get, 
tear our feelings apart, 
along with our hearts, 
letting them all sit in the dark, 
bleak depths of our minds. 

we try to pick up 
all the signs, 
the things we want to see, 
and we listen for what we want to hear. 
we uncover the past 
let it sink in again, 
and this time we can't let it go, 
our fingers gripping each other, 
our feet touching. 
you know all i have of you
is what i saw, 
and you know i can't give up on you, 
i can't turn away again 
and the fog is settling over us, 
and with my vision so skewed, 
i can't see what you're thinking anymore. 

the feelings...
they catch up 
they turn our backs around 
and i say your name, 
i pause and i can feel my heart, 
the pulses throughout my veins. 
your voice is hoarse, and 
i begin to say what i've wanted to for so long, 
and yet, instead, i say something that means nothing. 

the silence you bring 
gives my mind a numbness 
that i can't tear myself away from, 
the fire you set 
allows my mind to work in circles,
the way i like it best. 

i'm tired of this dancing 
and the pain and warmth you give me 
lights my lungs on fire. 
i want to be in your smoke 
and in your mind, 
i want to let you know 
i'll never fully leave. 
i want to show you all the things i can be 
and i want you to prove me wrong. 
i want to listen to your breath in the cold air 
and help you shovel yourself away from the world. 
i want long nights to turn into the same day, 
and feel what i really mean to you. 

the silence overcomes us, 
the numbness in my throat, my stomach, my mind, 
keeps me from breathing. 
i want to stop making these mistakes 
of being far from you, 
and let the silence be still 
for once. 

you: 

a speck of dust in the sky (that i will always see),
a burst of energy, 
a calm sleeplessness, 
content in where you are. 
a book i start reading and love the idea of finishing it, but i never did
close enough to touch, but not enough to talk to
find stability in what makes you move the most 
warm
remind me of the raspy voices on the songs you sent me 
nervous 
fearless
that swag walk but you never noticed it, because it's not really swag, it's just you
light 
too far 
too confusing 
i can't even describe you, 
this doesn't even describe you at all. 

we were moving too slow, 
always have been. 
i've been waiting for something to happen, 
anything, really, 
just curled up on my mattress, 
with my opened window 
and stared up, 
thinking about the possibilities. 
thinking about the definitions of everything, 
of our nerves and the way we want things 
and love and what it means, 
how to say it, 
how to feel it and how to explain it. 
all this time 
i felt (feel) 
foolish, 
with my insides in knots 
i kept thinking 
and changing my mind every seven seconds, 
because maybe i just want to be like someone else, 
i want different colored walls 
and maybe i'd think less about you, 
and i want a camera that works 
that i can depend on, 
so i can look at myself differently, 
and maybe that would explain 
how you felt about me. 
all the things you said, maybe 
i would understand it finally. 

but i know i can't 
and i know i won't 
and i'm too tired to paint 
but i can't stop thinking 
and not sleeping 
and i just want to see you, 
no, i just want to sleep next to you again, 
hold you differently 
and maybe then i could get the courage 
to tell you what i've been thinking, 
tell you what i've been waiting for 
and the things i kept locked up in my mind. 

the past catches up to you, 
they say, 
with your dangling feet 
almost but not really touching the water underneath, 
the sun slowly falling 
but you never noticed that part of the day. 

splinters dug deep 
like the hurt words you hear today 
but they aren't always the same 
and they aren't always like you remember it, 
but you know the sand like the back of your hand 
just like they say in those films, 
but that was before you ever even held a camera. 

you can still feel the cut off shorts you wore 
and the cool rush of the air through the screens 
in the early morning, 
the freshest part of the day.
you didn't think about how anyone would harm you
or how many people you wanted to love, 
or how many shoes you wanted to see 
or the places you wanted to be. 
you didn't notice the clanking of the dishes 
but it's a rhythm that you can't live without; 
you never noticed that pitter patter on the roof 
when the summer storms came along, 
but now it's a trademark in reliving the memories. 
the way the blinds made shadows across the wall 
never caught your eye, 
but you can imagine it now, 
so clear 
right before you went out to the water 
waiting to muster up the energy to jump 
your feet dangling, 
not touching the water, 
but now you wish they did. 

i have this unfading feeling 
that when you turn around 
and the world collides, 
my heart becomes numb 
and the earth doesn't move,
no, 
everything goes on, 
and it's just me 
and then there's you, 
and all that consumes us 
is standing right there 
stranded for words. 

the flashes of feelings 
pause before our minds 
and i can't remember your voice, 
but i remember walking away 
looking back and my heart stopped. 
i remember the numbness that spread throughout my body, 
walking back, 
and i remember the world in a blur, 
my eyes were bare 
and i couldn't see your freckles 
but i knew it was you, 
staring across the table 
and through that blur 
i can still see your eyes
looking back at me. 

saw you outside
delicately folding your papers, 
cut off shorts 
tied weeds around your small ankles, 
too small for your body. 

your unwashed hair hung in curls 
bare feet on the wood, 
spent your life with splinters. 
daisies hung around the ground, 
you carelessly stepped over them 
over me 
the sweat dripping from your neck, 
it shone in the summer light. 

your eyes had years of growth 
but you're too young for that, 
and i saw you snuck a cigar in your pocket, 
your bare chest is too small to take that in, 
your ears shouldn't see that kind of smoke. 

the brandy your grandfather loved was left in the back 
and you say the porch still smells like him. 
you tear off the weeds from your ankles, 
say some girl made them for you, 
a girl down the road. 
i wanted to pick them up 
and put them around your wrist, 
something made with love
shouldn't be torn down so soon. 

the sky is grey and you're standing in the same place,
squinting up even though the sun is dying out, 
the blue looks good on you, i say, 
and you lazily look at me 
and opened the screen door, 
lingering on the tip of your finger, 
you let it slam shut. 

there's a place we meant to go 
scratches we didn't want to make, 
we missed the left turn, 
always have to turn ourselves backwards, 
a ride down to somewhere we don't know, 
with peach trees and red lights, 
silver along the boardwalk, 
where did we mean to go? 

i saw you there with that book 
and it didn't even look like one worth reading, 
but you insisted, 
sat down and held smoke between your hands, 
we didn't want to go this far down south. 

the air grows warmer as it gets darker, 
and it's so unusual that i forgot where i left you, 
didn't even know each other but it's not like 
we meant anything, 
a mistake, a scratch we didn't want to make, 
a left turn that was supposed to be a right, 
let's take that step backward, 
let the peach trees disappear. 

so many ways we could go 
twists and turns and what do we know, 
so many things to forget, 
too many place to love, 
shoot us down before we get head of ourselves. 

you're standing over the edge over there,  
i could tell by the way you looked over 
that you let me down, 
the weather's always changing 
can't get used to anything anymore. 

the fire inside burnt out while i was gone, 
it's all in your head 
it's all in my head, 
maybe things are meant to burn
let the flame and its violence go, 
soon enough it'll die out when we fall asleep. 

i missed the way you looked back, 
i missed you smile 
and what you said
but i pretend it wasn't meant for me 
it wasn't meant for anyone, 
it's all in your head 
it's all in my head 
we can't go anywhere anymore 
just let fire burn out 
just carry yourself into bed 
roll on the other side 
with my feet tucked underneath 
and just fall asleep 
and we'll burn out soon enough. 

i want to hear your smile 
and taste your words, 
feel the goosebumps 
as my skin touches yours. 

i want to sit up 
my back bare,
look back 
and see you sleeping. 

i want to lie in the sun 
next to you, 
and i want to fall in the snow 
after you, 
i want taste cinnamon 
before i kiss you 
and i want to not believe 
of falling 
and i want there to be a time 
when i can put my legs over yours,
feel you reaching up, 
stretching, 
comfortable. 

too many things are left to say 
and we say the least important words out of those. 
i jump past you around the corner, 
i smile and hope my dimples show
as you look up
and all i can see are your eyes. 

i was ready to set them down, 
the words i had kept for you, 
in a box on the top shelf 
never forgotten. 
I was ready to leave them behind 
and I was thinking of the change 
that would soon consume me, 
and instead, 
I got pushed back 
and instead of going east, I went north.

you held me tightly 
but you've probably forgotten about that. 
i didn't mean to stay so long, 
and i could have left a while ago, 
yet here i am, 
my bed pushed against the window, 
so i can sleep in the cold
because it reminds me of you
and all the things i still have left to say. 

we could sit in silence,
try to think of words to put together 
to confess what we've both felt;
everything we've felt but never said, 
but that'd be a mouthful 
and we're too tired for this tonight. 

i wish i could take you here
so i can show you everything i've wanted to say 
to everyone i've ever loved, 
even to those who wouldn't listen. 
so much i've wanted to show what's in my mind, 
what i'm made of and the materials 
that stitch me together...
i want to show you everything i love about you, 
everything i've ever felt 
because words just can't explain 
the reasons why i love your freckles 
and your veins and your knuckles, 
and you can't see the way you walk, 
careless but with a purpose, 
and i want to show you how i love your circles
that you make on my back, 
the soft way you drag your hand through my spine. 

i want to tell you to never stop, 
to never let me go, and to always be here when i wake up. 
i want to tell you how you change my mind 
every time i make a move. 
how i close my eyes and i imagine you here, 
and i open them and there you are, 
your eyes staring lazily back at me. 

i want to tell you how you dismiss my fears and make me want more, 
more out of life and i want to tell you how you break my heart 
every single day 
and you put it back together with every word you say. 
i want to tell you that i want you in the passenger seat 
of my car in the summer, and i want to go on walks with you
in the winter. 
i want to drive across the state 
and stay overnight and sleep in before going to back to driving. 
i want to tell you that i meant to help you fold those blankets 
and i want to tell you that i didn't want you to let go of my hand 
or move away from me. 
i want to tell you how i loved my feet under yours 
and that i can never sleep with you holding me 
because i want to stay in that moment with you 
as long as i can. 

but we sit in silence 
trying to come up with these words. 
they paint a draft of the picture 
but these words aren't color, 
and the color is everything to me. 
i want to tell you all of the colors 
that you are to me. 

Covered in our own strength, 
we can't imagine forgiving ourselves. 
I can't hold you against me, 
and I can't hold you tight enough, 
my arms aren't strong 
to carry you through this, 
to hold you onto this bed, 
before you fall off the end, 
but you drag me back, 
and I see that you're already against the wall. 
I just want to hold you back 
just once 
to see what it feels like 
to be needed. 

I saw your power 
I saw your strength 
and I felt what you did to me, 
tear me in two and 
make me believe in myself, 
believe in something. 

Your sleepy gaze is right next to my face 
and I open my eyes. 
I still can't tell what color your eyes are, 
and in the dark, 
I smile. 

I could have won 
I could have given in 
but I ran, gave up, 
tried to take away everything I gave you, 
but I saw your strength 
and everything you made me feel, 
it couldn't be erased, 
not even during the day. 

The cold didn't hurt us
and you asked what I liked the best. 
I couldn't decide because all I liked about here 
is you
but I couldn't tell you a thing, 
because I knew your power 
and everything I feel, 
the darkness doesn't cover it 
and I still smiled
as you woke up on the way home. 

The solitary color 
on your window pane, 
right under your eye.. 
it makes me want to speak, 
to run and fall, 
break my knee, 
but you already broke my trust. 

There's an empty room above yours, 
with one bed and the blankets 
covered us 
and a stained glass window 
still shone in the middle of the night, 
i stared as your hands trembled
around my waist. 

A kaleidoscope covered your face 
we can't see what was behind us 
but we'll find what we want, 
and for now, 
the beige seeps into our dreams 
and the rough blankets cover us 
as you break my trust 
and i hold my knee close to my chest, 
facing the window with the shining colors. 

The best part about living isn't always finding who you are, but finding who someone else is. There's one person in your life that gives you that unexplainable feeling, the feeling that swims through the your veins all at once, covers your skin, the feeling that's in the pit of your stomach and in the heels of your feet. The feeling that makes your face numb and your hands slightly, so slightly, shake. That person makes your lips red, and your eyes close, and when their skin touches yours, it's electric. It's not a swooning, and it's not an infatuation. It's a feeling that overcomes your entire being, and it makes you forget about yourself, as if you're standing above a pool and you dive in, and suddenly you're surrounded by them, their pressure around you, and you can't breathe or think, you just feel, and suddenly, the pool becomes a sea, covering the earth. Covering you. You become them, and all at once, you forget about life, and all that matters is the look in their eyes. The way the flecks in his irises are scattered, and the freckles on his nose. The bitter coldness from outside is replaced with his warmth around you. His legs tangled in yours, his breath on your neck. That's all that matters, and it's a feeling you can't get from anywhere else. No pill, herb, or place, can take you there. Don't look for it, because you won't find it. It happens. It's not forced, and at first it's unwanted because it's so terrifying, and that's the best part. It's a terror you can't find in a haunted house or facing your materialistic fears. The feeling all together is everything in the world mashed into one. The best part about living is this feeling, this unconditional feeling that, for some unknown reason, doesn't leave. The color doesn't fade when you wash it too much over time, and it doesn't dilute when you add water. It's there when it's there, and it's a part of life that's so uncontrollably beautiful and strange and terrible. It's better than thinking about yourself, because you're being you without thinking. You're feeling, in the most real and unforced way possible. 

What if I lose it all? I lose you and I'm left to my own wanderings... I haven't had you in a while, but you've always been left in my heart. You've always been here, in my life, in my mind, and the feeling never went away. But what happens when it does? When it comes to the time when I have to push it away, I have to force you out of my heart? I spent my developmental years with you here, always thinking ahead with you because I couldn't imagine a world without you. The feeling never faded and I never thought it could, but what if it does? It's like being forced out of the nest, forced into that big world realizing I have to start over. I'm not dependent, I've just known what I wanted for so long. And that's you. And I never, ever wanted anything else. And if I don't get you... if I lose you and I'm left with no idea where to go, no idea what else I want... not even wanting anything else... I'll be left in a city I don't know with no one that feels like home. Home doesn't even feel like home anymore. With that last element gone (you, the feeling of home), the world will shift underneath me and nothing will feel familiar anymore. I'll lose the feeling of myself, and I'll lose the atmosphere of the life I've always known. 

I don't want to lose you. But I know I will, and I know have to look at the world without you in it. 

we jumped so high 
couldn't think of a reason to stay attached, 
and then we moved far away, 
starved ourselves until we found love, 
or something we wanted to believe in
(that we just called love). 

our best work is put in a folder 
amongst those that we hate, 
and our hearts grow old 
and our fragility waning. 
we grew into stone, 
moving across the world, 
we couldn't remember the streets we grew up in. 

we kept looking back 
we couldn't decide who we'd rather be... 
the ones who cared, who lived the way we were born to, 
or the ones we forced ourselves to become, 
just to learn to say we've gone away.. 
we don't know anyone now, 
not even ourselves. 
we don't know what it feels like 
to lose the one we wanted, 
or the one we couldn't walk away from. 

we put our coats on 
drag outside the door 
take a hit through your trembling fingers
on the steps of a brooklyn walkup 
the snow, the brown on your boots, 
leather and bought from someone you'll never know, 
you're here to prove to yourself 
that you can walk away from anything. 
you're here to prove to yourself 
your fragility is replaced with stone, 
and belief turned to wanderlust, 
wanderlust of something incomplete 
for you to come in and fill it 
with your best work, 
found amongst your worst. 

my feet are on this empty floor, 
i was built to change 
built to wander, 
to not find you.

i didn't think of anything 
when i walked back toward you. 
i couldn't think of how 
to get you back, 
i couldn't imagine me saying a thing, 
and yet i still couldn't imagine myself without you. 

the cars flew by, their lights defying gravity. 
you walked on past me, i didn't even look. 
i sat on an occupied bench, 
you sat facing away from me. 
these little choices 
come with large feelings. 

what happens when i can't say a thing to you, 
and what happens when i tell you
what you used to want to know? 
but instead you walked past me, 
i didn't even look. 
the right chances fly on by, 
but i wasn't built to stay. 
i wasn't built to find you.